Well, at least in some households (and on NPR)! Here's an excerpt from "Santaland Diaries" by David Sedaris from
Holidays on Ice. (It's also super to listen to Sedaris read the story himself—especially when he gets to the part where he imitates Billie Holiday.) The autobiographical story has been turned into a musical and is now a staple of community theaters.
"I wear green velvet
knickers, a forest green velvet smock and a perky little hat decorated
with spangles. This is my work uniform.
I've spent the last several days sitting in a crowded, windowless
Macy's classroom, undergoing the first phases of elf training. You can
be an entrance elf, a water-cooler elf, a bridge elf, train elf, maze
elf, island elf, magic-window elf, usher elf, cash-register elf or exit
elf.
We were given a demonstration of various positions in
action, acted out by returning elves, who were so onstage and goofy that
it made me a little sick to my stomach. I don't know that I could look
anyone in the eye and exclaim: Oh, my goodness, I think I see Santa. Or
can you close your eyes and make a very special Christmas wish?
Everything
these elves say seems to have an exclamation point on the end of it. It
makes one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. It
embarrasses me to hear people talk this way. I think I'll be a low-key
sort of elf.
 |
| Macy's elves, in the proverbial parade |
Twenty-two
thousand people came to see Santa today, and not all of them were well
behaved. Today, I witnessed fistfights and vomiting and magnificent
tantrums. The back hallway was jammed with people. There was a line for
Santa and a line for the women's bathroom. And one woman, after asking
me a thousand questions already, asks: Which is the line for the women's
bathroom? And I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the
women in it. And she said: I'm going to have you fired. I had
two people say that to me today: I'm going to have you fired. Go ahead,
be my guest. I'm wearing a green velvet costume. It doesn't get any
worse than this. Who do these people think they are? I'm going to have
you fired, and I want to lean over and say: I'm going to have you
killed.
***

The overall
cutest elf is a fellow from Queens named Ritchie. His elf name is
Snowball and he tends to ham it up with the children, sometimes tumbling
down the path to Santa's house. I generally gag when elves get that
cute, but Snowball is hands-down adorable. You want to put him in your
pocket.Yesterday, Snowball and I worked as Santa elves, and I
got excited when he started saying things like: I'd follow you to
Santa's house any day, Crumpet. It made me dizzy, this flirtation. By
mid-afternoon, I was running into walls. By late afternoon, Snowball had
cooled down.
By the end of our shift, we were in the bathroom
changing our clothes, and all a sudden we were surrounded by five Santas
and three other elves. All of them were guys that Snowball had been
flirting with. Snowball just leads elves on - elves and Santas.
***
This morning, I worked as an exit elf, telling people in a loud voice: This way out of Santaland.
A
woman was standing at one of the cash registers, paying for her
pictures while her son lay beneath her, kicking and heaving, having a
tantrum. The woman said: Riley, if you don't start behaving yourself,
Santa is not going to bring you any of those toys you asked for.
The child said: He is too going to bring me toys, liar. He already told me.
The
woman grabbed my arm and said: You there, elf. Tell Riley here that if
he doesn't start behaving immediately, then Santa's going to change his
mind and bring him coal for Christmas.
I said that Santa
changed his policy and no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you're
bad, he comes to your house and steals things. I told Riley that if he
didn't behave himself, Santa was going to take away his TV and all his
electrical appliances and leave him in the dark.
The woman got a
worried look on her face and said: All right. That's enough. I said,
he's going to take your car and your furniture, and all of your towels
and blankets and leave you with nothing. The mother said, No, that's
enough - really.
***
This
afternoon, I was stuck being a photo elf for Santa-Santa. Santa-Santa
has an elaborate little act for the children. He'll talk to them and
give a hearty chuckle and ring his bells. And then he asks them to name
their favorite Christmas carol.Santa then asked if they'll
sing it for him. The children are shy and don't want to sing out loud.
So Santa-Santa says: Oh, little elf, little elf, help young Brenda here
sing that favorite carol of hers.
Late in the afternoon, a
child said she didn't know what her favorite Christmas carol was.
Santa-Santa suggested "Away in a Manger." The girl agreed to it, but
didn't want to sing because she didn't know the words. Santa-Santa said:
Oh, little elf, little elf, come sing "Away in a Manger" for us.
It
didn't seem fair that I should have to solo, so I sang it the way
Billie Holiday might have sang if she'd put out a Christmas album. "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head." Santa-Santa did not allow me to finish.
This
evening, I was sent to be a photo elf. Once a child starts crying, it's
all over. The parents had planned to send these pictures as cards or
store them away until the child, who's grown and can lie, claiming to
remember the experience.
Tonight, I saw a woman slap and shake
her crying child. She yelled: Rachel, get on that man's lap and smile or
I'll give you something to cry about. Then she sat Rachel on Santa's
lap and I took the picture, which supposedly means on paper, that
everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be - that everything is
snowy and wonderful.
It's not about the child or Santa or Christmas or anything, but the parents' idea of a world they cannot make work for them.