Friday, January 4, 2013

Personally speaking

"Part biopic, part utopian vision, all epic of redemption amidst the trials of mankind. This personal ad has everything. Woman, 38. Only one conviction for nuisance calling."

"Fooling Nobody" by Dr. Seuss
If you are amused by the above, you'll love Sexually, I'm More of a Switzerland: More Personal Ads from the London Review of Books. These "adverts" are variously clever, endearing, or beyond quirky. As in the following:
Why waste time in the bath? M, 45, with secret to natural, water-free cleanliness—psychic showering, bathe in your own karma (patent pending). Seeks woman to 50 for invigorating wash-down in the fountain of the mind. Must be prepared to lose friends and never be allowed in restaurants again.
Tall, handsome, well-built, articulate, intelligent, sensitive, yet often grossly inaccurate man, 21. Cynics (and some cheap Brentwood psychiatrists) may say ‘pathological liar’, but I like to use ‘creative with reality’. Join me in my 36-bedroomed mansion on my Gloucestershire estate, set in 400 acres of wild-stag populated woodland. East Ham.
Narcissus of Truro. Likes nothing better than admiring himself, but hopes gay man to 45 will rest contented as a close second.  [This person has neatly aligned the administrative center of Cornwall, known for its daffodil fields, with the classical myth and the Narcissus 'Truro' (Truro Daffodil).]

Man, 46. Animal in bed. Probably a gnu.
I hate you, Ray Romano. Woman, 32.  One-time publishing high-flier, now redundant and spending most days shouting at the TV. Would like to meet anyone with a decent array of credit cards and no prior experience of the hypnotic ways of QVC.
I am Mr Right! You are Ms Distinct Possibility! Your parents are Mr. & Mrs. Obscenely Rich. Your uncle is Mr. Expert Tax Lawyer. Your Cousin is Ms. Spare Apartment on a Caribbean Hideaway That She Rarely Uses. Your brother is Mr. Can Fix You Up a Fake Passport For a Small Fee. Man, 51.
The man that got away.
Forty years ago I was going to marry Elvis—at 56 my expectations are lower. The least you could do is try to meet them. If you're over 4' 10" it's a start.  
Think of every sexual partner you’ve ever had. I’m nothing like them. Unless you’ve ever slept with a bulimic German cellist called Else. Else: bulimic ­German cellist. (F, 37).
Young, charming, thoughtful, attractive, sporty, zesty, intelligent. None of these are me, but if you’d like to spend an afternoon or more considering alternative adjectives to be applied to a cantankerous 53-year-old, write now to Box No. 0927.
"Behold my bedroom eyes"
Woman, 35. Happily married until husband sponsored an African village goat in her name as a birthday gift. WLTM man to 40 for whom the phrase ‘I’d really like a pair of diamond earrings’ isn’t meant ironically.
All humans are 99.9 per cent genetically identical, so don’t even think of ending any relationship begun here with ‘I just don’t think we have enough in common’. Science has long since proven I’m the man for you (41, likes to be referred to as ‘Wing Commander’ in the bedroom).

I am more like the Grand Duke Nicholas Mikhailovich of Russia than anyone else who has ever advertised here. Man, 54. 
 I have a mug that says ‘World’s Greatest Lover’. I think that’s my referees covered. How about you? Man, 37, Bishopsgate.

4 comments:

  1. These are hilarious. Just one more reason to move to England.

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  2. These are great! They probably received response sololey of their creativity and humor.

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  3. Are all the witty minds English?
    Here we are obsessed with letters--SWM, D and D free, NS, NR, etc.

    Not that I ever look at those things...

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  4. Either England is chock full of brilliant, lonely wits--OR, The London Review of Books has a great ghostwriter.

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